Networking for introverts: systems

Lex Roman (00:00): Networking. The word alone can strike fear into the heart of even the most determined entrepreneur. Networking sounds vague and time consuming. Who should I network with? How will I know if I've done enough? What is networking?

If you can relate, then this episode is for you. This is the first in a three part series on networking for introverts. We're going to cover systems, places, and conversations to put together this series. I asked for your help and I got lots of wonderful contributions both from introverts and from relationship experts. Check out all the contributors in the show notes. We're starting out our series with systems because I think networking can feel endless and it doesn't have to be. It's absolutely possible to get clarity on how, who, when to network and to have a structure that suits your goals. I'm excited to hear how this series informs your own networking. I'm Lex Roman, and this is the Low Energy Leads Show.

(01:05): There's an assumption that extroverts have it easy when it comes to networking or selling themselves, but there's actually quite a bit of research that points to the advantages introverts have when it comes to building professional relationships. In her book, quiet The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Susan Cain talks about the secret strengths introverts have. She highlights the way introverts tend to use their energy more wisely and the curiosity and attentiveness they bring to conversations, which is a major advantage in the sales process, professor Steve w Martin researches top sales strategies. He wrote about his research on the seven personality traits of top salespeople in the Harvard Business Review. He found that salespeople in the top 90% demonstrate traits of modesty and humility, and that gregariousness, which is commonly associated with extroversion had a negative correlation with sales success. I identify as an ambivert ambiverts share traits with both introverts and extroverts, and according to Wharton Professor Adam Grant, about two thirds of us are really ambiverts falling somewhere on the continuum between introversion and extroversion.

(02:13):We fare pretty well in a professional context too because as Grant shares in his 2012 report, we use a wider repertoire of behavioral options to find the appropriate balance between selling and serving. Things are looking up for the introverts, aren't they? Well, I've got more great news for you. Leveraging networking doesn't have to mean shaking hands, kissing babies, and taking home business cards. In fact, you are more likely to get value from networking if you focus less on adding new relationships and more on developing the relationships you already have.

Strategy 1: Shift from Quantity to Quality

For more on this, I turn to Anish Parikh, CEO of BuckFifty. In Anish’s words, he and his co-founder Alex Wunderlich, set out to keep people in the habit of nurturing their best relationships. BuckFifty is so named because of research that shows we can only keep a maximum of 150 relationships going at a time. BuckFifty allows you to clarify, evaluate and nurture your most important relationships. I asked Anish what inspired them to make BuckFifty.

Anish Parikh (03:15): First job when I was in high school was selling cookware door to door, which sucked, and so I just sold it to all my mom's friends and that's how I beat my quota. So I got an early start selling by relationship and recently that process I couldn't fit into a CRM. We were using HubSpot. I've used every CRM out there, and so we actually, we started building a software product that would solve that for salespeople, mainly built it, gave it to some salespeople and it didn't work, meaning the product did what it was supposed to do, but the salespeople weren't successful and I sat there and I designed a few different products, so I started thinking about why and I realized that it was because they were not actively maintaining the necessary relationships. Right around the same time I came across this book called The Good Life, they summarized this thing called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been going on for 80 years.

(04:06): JFK was a subject of the study back in the day, and they just study human wellbeing and happiness of what makes people happy and live longer, and they put scientific proof behind the notion that relationships are good for you. They show that people actually live longer, happier, and healthier lives when they nurture meaningful relationships, which was to me, this was mind blowing. I mean, I always was sort of oriented towards relationships and I'm technical. I went to MIT, I got an engineering degree, but relationships have always been important to me and then there's this proof they actually lead to a healthier and longer and wealthier life by the way. And so all of that long answer, all of that combined to bring us to Buck 50 and the product that we've made around nurturing relationships.

Lex Roman (04:56): When I learned about Buck 50, I love that they focused on your existing network, often overlooked when it comes to the idea of networking. Speaking of that, here's Anisha's insight on how to reframe your networking.

Anish Parikh (05:10): I think people kind of overcomplicate it unfortunately, and they think about who would be a great person to have in my network, somebody that sold some company or that is an investor and they start, and I think that's also what gives people trepidation about the concept of networking, which generally I think people take to mean going and meeting somebody you don't know relatively inauthentically. What people miss is really thinking about, I would say their tribe, who they really want around them drawing from the good life and one of those scientists is actually on our team is advising the company, but the two biggest indicators of happiness, the two biggest indicators of happiness they found were the frequency and the quality of a person's interactions with their best relationships. Now, that's for happiness, but I think maybe the key thing here is you can't grow your network without it leading to your happiness. I think it's like they're fundamentally tied together, and so this means things as simple as who do I like? Who likes me, who gives me great advice? Who do I give great advice to? Who do I help? Who helps me? I think the key takeaway is personal, professional, and it sort of doesn't matter, but there is a relationship with a person there, someone whom you want in your life more, and I think that's what is often actually overlooked.

Lex Roman (06:42): Now, you might be wondering how to capture who matters in your existing network. Here's how Anish recommends you get started.

Anish Parikh (06:49): Sit down and ask yourself who you can do this personally and professionally. Who are those people that I like and they like me and I give great advice to time of crisis, et cetera? First of all, think about them. Write them down. Ask yourself where you're at in this relationship. Of course you could use our product to do that, but go to those people who already know and like you and whom you already know and in a few words, build a relationship. Make sure you're doing that and what does that mean? Share with them, be vulnerable, give help, get help. Just be an authentic person. And when you do that, bringing it back to the whole warm intros thing, what I found also is when you do that with people that you care about and who care about you, these interactions inevitably lead you to connect with more people. They'll say, oh, Lex, is this the problem you're having? You know what? Let me introduce you to my friend who would be happy to talk to you.

Lex Roman (07:54): I love how Buck 50 keeps you focused on a smaller set of people than social media would have you believe You need to keep up with. Shout out to invo Claudio at like-minded collective for the intro to a niche. I like to call this approach networking From the inside out, you focus on your deepest relationships, ones you're already familiar with and you leverage them to work outward. Getting introduced to people you should get to know better along the way. What's great about this for introverts is you can be more protective of your energy, choosing who you spend time with and when and how that leads to additional introductions. As a niche and Buck 50 illuminate, we often ignore the valuable relationships We've already started building or we meet someone once and we never talk to them again. Rather than trying to meet a new set of people every month, you're better off building deeper relationships with a smaller set of people. If you've been listening to the show, you may recall my interview with system strategist Devin Lee, where she shared her conversation A day tracker. As Devin meets people, she finds interesting or potentially beneficial for her business, she adds 'em to the tracker to make sure she keeps them top of mind. Here's how Devin explains it.

Devin Lee (09:02): This was totally inspired by Jordan Gill. I've done it a day when I did her program. This is one of the things she taught us, so full credit to Jordan Gill, she's so smart, but basically what I have is every time I have a coffee chat with someone that I've really connected with, so maybe all my referral partners are in this tracker as well, but maybe I just connect with someone and I'm like, I just, we vibe. I want to stay in touch. I have, I'm looking at it now. I have 75 people in here right now, always growing. I sometimes remove people if it's just not a good fit, but basically it gives me their name the last time we talked and then I have notes of what did we talk about because sometimes I get on a coffee chat with someone. I love them. We really vibe and then I totally forget what we talked about because I have five coffee chats a day.

Lex Roman (09:49): Devin doesn't just connect with email and coffee chats. She mentioned in our interview that she uses the tracker just to remind her to check up on that person, see what they're up to, maybe look at a social media profile or decide whether or not it's worth getting on the phone. When I asked introverts how they prefer to keep up with people, they mentioned texting, running into them at a regular event, emailing articles and DMs and comments on social media. On this subject, I spoke with Vance of Sustainability by Vance Vance and I know each other from a local entrepreneurs group called Atlanta Solopreneurs. As I've gotten to know Vance, I really appreciate his thoughtful approach to honing his network. Here he is talking about how he thinks about these check-ins and the role of social media in keeping up with his network.

Vance (10:34): With our generation, it's a bit easier because on Instagram it's like, Hey, you can already kind of get a visual about who I am and what I like, but then also it's easy because whether you get the idea of who I am from the Instagram or from whatever conversation we had when we met, it's like, okay, now I'm on Instagram. Oh, this reminds me of you so I can send you this. And now we've already had that icebreaker. Now we already have something to keep the conversation going forward. At the end of the day, it comes down to I want you in my network and I want you to maintain in my network it's I'm going to have your phone number, I'm going to have your preferred email, and I'm going to make the conscious effort to reach out to you. At least I try. Depending on the relationship, I try not to go like a month, sometimes two or three months depending on who that person is, but I'm going to check on you regularly throughout the year, and I'm going to always have that in my mind.

Strategy 2: Know yourself and your goals

Lex Roman (11:31): Another great tip I got from Vance was the importance of self-awareness when it comes to connecting with others, especially when connecting with people is draining. Doing some internal reflection before working on those external relationships can help you clarify who you want to be spending time with and why. Here's Vance to explain his approach.

Vance (11:50): I think there's a bit of a self-evaluation that as well, you have to know what it is that you are looking for and also your own. You want someone who can help you grow. You guys can help each other grow. Don't judge someone to the point where it's like, oh, I can learn nothing from them. You can always learn something from somebody. That's not the first thing on my mind, but after maybe two or three interactions and it really becomes apparent that we can't help each other, we don't necessarily have anything that we can help each other with. I feel better about ending it there like we tried and there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with that. You can't fit everybody into your life.

Lex Roman (12:31): Remember that you don't have to force yourself to spend time with people you don't like. Even extroverts find that to be an energy drain and it's okay to go at your own pace when it comes to figuring out who you want to spend time getting to know.

That brings us to the sponsor of today's episode Connection Club. If you want to cultivate more friendship and community in your life, you should definitely check out Connection Club Run by Kat Vellos. Kat Vellos is the author of the book, we Should Get Together, the Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships Connection Club is Kat's membership community that will help you achieve your connection goals. Members have a wide variety of goals like adding more novelty to how they spend time with friends, creating gatherings and leading and running clubs. If you've been frustrated by how hard it is to make and maintain friendships in adulthood, join Connection Club today. Learn more at weshouldgettogether.com.

Lex Roman (13:31): I asked for advice on how to approach networking in a community I'm a part of called Like Minded Collective and conversion copywriter Val Casola shared how she paces out her networking. Val said, “I give myself an achievable for me goal. If I'm doing in-person networking, that might look like saying hi to five new people and being okay with that. For online, it might be connect with one potential power partner. Giving myself expectations has helped me maintain my energy and also be satisfied with my effort.” Setting goals for your networking is important because you might be setting the bar too high, especially if you're going to a big event. I loved Val's recommendation for creating a doable expectation that makes sense for you. Focusing on developing one high value relationship you'll want to maintain is way better return for your effort than walking away with a pile of business cards.

(14:22): Chris Melvin echoed Val’s sentiments. Chris is a multimedia creative based in Edinburgh, Scotland. Chris underscored a topic I've heard many times from introverts, the importance of conserving energy. Chris recommended introverts “recognize your own social battery levels. If you're running low, that's okay. Sometimes showing up is enough. Sometimes a quick convo with a I'll follow up with more info is enough.” I really appreciated Chris's wreck because as the world gets more hectic, many of us are short on time and energy. It's quite relatable and now even more socially acceptable to indicate that you like to connect back another time when your energy is restored and you can be fully present. People are more aware than ever of different personality types, chronic conditions, disabilities and neurodivergent thinkers. If the person is someone you actually want to get to know, they'll offer you the grace of reconvening When you get your energy back.

Strategy 3: Make it Two-Sided

(15:16): Networking might feel lonely, but it doesn't happen alone. One strategy I heard from introverted entrepreneurs was to get external input and direction. Many motivated introverts I know seem to feel a lot of pressure to drive relationships forward by themselves, often wondering whether or not that's welcomed and feeling unsure about what to say.

Kat Vellos is a connection catalyst and widely sought after expert on platonic relationships. She's the author of the book, We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. Kat's business involves speaking and facilitation and she's become extremely mindful in her social interactions. She suggested if you're not sure what kind of relationship someone wants with you, asking them can help clarify. Kat explained one approach she used in conversation with Brendan Jarvis on the Brave UX podcast earlier this year.

Kat Vellos (16:05): I was working on the book and in my own life thinking a lot about how to have better friendships and how to have more clarity and connection, and it was the start of a new year, and so I decided to be really clear with the people in my friend and acquaintance network about my hopes of having closer friendships with them. And so I made a little short list of the people that I wanted to reach out to. And then I made, I'm such a nerd, I made a survey. I'm like, for the UX people out there, maybe you're going to feel me. I won't feel like such a weirdo, but I legit made a survey. I was like, hello, and welcome to the new year. One of my goals this year is to have closer friendships and all of you're receiving this email because I love our friendship and I would love to have a closer friendship with you.

(16:52): I would love to hear about what would make that feel really good for you and what you're open and available for. And I will also share what I am open and available for. So I shared this really broad range of here's all the times I'm available, here's the kinds of things I would love to do. Tell me about you. And they could fill out this little three question survey that was like, how do you feel about the amount of time we spend together? Is it not enough, just right or too much? What kinds of things would you like to do together? The kinds of things we've been doing or a bunch of new things or stuff we've never done before. And then just like an open-ended field, how do you feel about this? And it was pretty lightweight. Don't send somebody a 25 question survey, but the idea is to really understand, to not guess or assume what somebody else thinks, but to actually ask them.

(17:39): And it was really illuminating because what I found out was one of my friends that I wanted to spend more time with told me that she felt that we actually spent the right amount of time together. So she wasn't saying anything's wrong, but she was just saying, no, I think this is the right amount. And ironically, she had asked a different friend that same question that she wanted to spend more time with, and they hung out even less than we did, and that person told her that they felt like that was the right amount of time. So they had a little bit, and that friend felt like it was enough and me and her had a little bit more and I wanted more, and she felt like that was enough. So it's like you got to be humble. Try not to get feelings hurt. The goal is clarity. The goal is to learn.

Lex Roman (18:16): I linked their full interview in the show notes. It's full of specific examples you'll find insightful in your own relationship building. Now, you may not be as structured about it as Kat was, but the premise of aligning expectations can be applied in more than one way. Another approach to this is to encourage people to come to you. This works really well if you're a content creator of any type. If you have a newsletter, a podcast, a blog, a YouTube, a social media channel, you can plant seeds that get people to reach out to you.

I asked about this in the Design Creator Slack and freelance product designer and design newsletter writer Kristin Au offered her strategy here. (19:03): She wrote, “I do a lot better in one-on-one over group environments, and so I always optimize for how I can talk to a person one-on-one rather than meet them in a group setting. I put out a lot of breadcrumbs for folks to find their way to me.” Kristin said some of these methods included encouraging dms, putting out proactive Calendly links so people could book chats and having profiles on relevant industry platforms. Kristin also features the people in her network, in her newsletter and in her social media, allowing her to somewhat passively reach that person's connections and network a brilliant way to extend your reach without having to talk to every person one-on-one. The common thread between Kat and Kristin’s approaches is that they're balancing out the effort a bit across both parties. Rather than putting networking entirely on your shoulders, you open up conversations and channels for your connections to be a more even exchange.

Now maybe you feel like you don't yet have some of those great relationships you want to strengthen and deepen over time, and you're looking for more tangible guidance on how to make your approach to meeting new people more authentic and longer lasting.

(19:58): If that sounds like you, I recommend checking out Josh Spector's Relationship Builder skill session. Josh specializes in helping creatives grow their audience. I'm a big fan of his newsletter and his podcast. Josh heard so many questions from his audience about how to build your network that he put together 21 strategies for finding the right people in your niche. It's truly a step-by-step guide of how to approach networking. So if you find you're striking out a lot about where to put your network building energy, go get yourself a copy of Josh's system. Reframing your networking to focus on the relationships you do have rather than the ones you don't have, allows you to be more strategic with your energy. And as you develop your relationships, you decide who stays and who goes and how those parlay into the next person who's worth your effort to meet.

(20:44):

I highly recommend checking out all of the wonderful contributors to today's episode. There's so much more to learn from them. I've linked them all in the show notes.

Our next episode in the series will focus on places you can network and the episode after that will focus on conversations. You can still share your tips on networking for introverts. Head over to low energy leads.com and click on the top banner for all the instructions.

If we've never met before. I'm Lex Roman. I empower creative entrepreneurs to make Smarter Marketing betts. I do that through this show and through my membership growth trackers. Get on the Low Energy Leads newsletter to get my weekly advice on booking clients with less energy. If you liked this episode, you might also like the one I did on how to get clients with a small audience. It's a major misconception that you need a giant audience in order to get clients. And in this episode, I break down three approaches you can use to leverage a small audience in order to get client work and stay busy all year.

Until next time, keep that energy low until the value will be high.